incipit vita nova

Rescue Dog(s)

Badger Casil, aka Mr. Stinki, Pony, Onie, and several other nicknames, is a rescue dog.  We've had him since 2001 and he was about two years old when we got him, so he is officially a "senior dog".  He shows few signs of slowing down.  He is an off-breed standard Jack Russell Terrier - he is about half an inch too tall, and entirely too rangy for the general overall breed.

That is Badger wrestling with his current object of love - or playing "Kill the Monkey!"  See, he has his tags, his shots, and you can't see from the picture, but he is microchipped.  If he is ever lost (highly unlikely as he is my constant companion and kept secure at all times), any veterinarian or shelter can instantly see who he is, and who his owners are (i.e. - me and Meredith).

The provenance of rescue dogs is often complex, but I was able to get a lot of information about Badger, because he came from the BARC Animal Rescue in Redlands, a very well-organized, well-operated group.  BARC stands for "Benevolent Animal Rescue Committee" and it's a national organization that has local chapters.  There is also another BARC in San Bernardino County - they are all over.  As animal advocates become ever-more sophisticated and organized, and education continues, some of the values of animal rescues are sure to become better-adopted throughout America.

Badger's story could be the perfect rescue dog story.  In fact, there are a series of children's books (cough cough) - okay, I've written two Rescue Dog stories.  And when I say "perfect," let's just say that the day Badger ran out of our front door and harried the poor man riding his bicycle around the cul-de-sac where we lived until he became so rattled that his bike went out of control and he tumbled over the handlebars into our neighbor's ivy - well, that day wasn't complete until, after I ran over and restrained Badger, only to look at the poor guy's dirt-smudged face and recognize my daughter's Vice Principal.  Yes, that was a special day, indeed.  Another special day was the one where, responding to non-pet person Mike's concern about Badger being in the house, I purchased a steel spiral yard stake that said it would accommodate dogs of up to 100 pounds. 

I tied Badger to this monstrous yard stake that I couldn't even begin to budge, after "screwing it" into the back yard and attaching the strongest possible cable.  I then went off to teach.  Upon returning home at 1 p.m., our neighbor Matt came over and informed me that approximately half an hour after I'd left, Badger had pulled up the stake and jumped the 7 foot fence between my yard and his, and - though he'd easily made the leap himself, the giant yard stake he'd apparently pulled up like Wart pulling the sword out of the stone, hadn't made it over to the other side.  Matt found Badger hanging from the fence slowly asphyxiating, rescued him, and returned him to our garage.  Stinking Dirt Dog was cringing in the garage, knowing he was in big trouble.  But all I cared about was that he was okay, and that thank heavens, Matt had been off work that day and was home to save him. 

One day, sitting on the couch grading, I saw a flash of movement in the kitchen.  Badger was lying at my feet, and he was up instantly.  He leaped into the kitchen and within a second or two, had something fat, brown and furry in his mouth.  Two shakes and it was done, and he trotted back into my lovely, clean living room and deposited fat Mr. Ratty at my feet - utterly dead.  Yes, a rat had gotten into the house, and yes, he was running back and forth in the kitchen and had grown so bold, he was traveling around in broad daylight.  All it took was a quarter-inch gap in the door from the garage to the family room for that devil to squeeze into the house.  Unbeknownst to me, Mr. Ratty had taken up residence behind the dishwasher, and had gnawed through the plastic hoses after he got tired of stealing Badger's food and random tiny toys and coins and secreting them behind the dishwasher housing (another quarter-inch gap). 

Getting Mr. Ratty was pure instinct, and it's exactly what Badger and similar terriers were bred for.  Getting Badger to stop harrying school Vice Principals, chasing small children and terrorizing them, barking aggressively at dogs five times his size, and getting him to stop pulling me on his leash because "he was the boss" took another two or three years, and $1,500 worth of training. 

This is a long, discursive way of saying - everything I know about rescue pets, I learned the hard way, by making the mistakes just about everyone except an experienced pet breeder, trainer or rescue volunteer would.  

Don't get me wrong - I believe in rescuing animals.  I am not so attached to any breed of dog or cat that I would choose to purchase a pedigreed animal from a reputable breeder.   If and when I am able to care for a cat or dog in addition to Badger (we rescued two Chihuahuas - and the unwanted Chihuahua problem in California is absolutely overwhelming), I will always rescue a neutered or spayed pet from a shelter or rescue organization.

The Humane Society is the most reputable organization documenting the problem of unwanted pets in the United States.  The statistics are sobering.  Every year, an estimated 6-8 million unwanted pets enter one of the 4,000 to 6,000 animal shelters in the United States.  Once there, the animals have a 50-50 chance of being adopted.  This statistic is much higher today than it was in previous decades.  The 50% who are not adopted, are eventually euthanized.  While nearly all shelters practice humane euthanasia policies (only euthanizing animals who are gravely ill, or who for other reasons - i.e. dangerous temperament - cannot be adopted), and there are a growing number of "no kill" shelters, many animals are still "put down" because they are simply the wrong type of animal, or wrong "age" - i.e. - a "senior" pet like Badger.

The fact that progress has already been made shows that progress in this regard can continue.  The attitude of the Michael Vicks and Glyn Johnsons of the world is no longer overlooked, disregarded or even praised.  These violent men have, in Vick's case, already been prosecuted for their brutality toward animals, and despite his lawsuit against Karley's family, it looks like former firefighter Glyn Johnson will also be prosecuted for fatally beating 6-month old German Shepherd mix Karley to death in "trying to return her" to his neighbor's home.  I'm really glad that my neighbor Matt was a kind, decent man who rescued Badger when he jumped the fence that day, not someone like Glyn Johnson.  Matt said Badger was initially afraid of him, and as an untrained rescue dog - he might have tried to snap at the man who was trying to help him.

Point being - rescuing an animal isn't as easy as it sounds.  A "rescue dog" (or cat) has special needs and considerations that a puppy straight from a reputable breeder, who has been pre-socialized and is ready to go straight to a human home, will not have.  In my case, Badger was highly aggressive and overprotective of "his space" and "his people".  He had no training of any type, and was only partially housebroken.  Every single behavior problem a dog could have -- Badger's had them, consecutively.  We'd overcome one problem (harrying Vice Principals on bicycles) only to encounter the next problem (unrequieted escapism and fence-jumping). Badger is also much smarter than many other dogs - he has an almost "human" level of intelligence and is very much like the classic Jack Russell terrier featured in My Dog Skip.  He shares the great qualities of his breed: he is totally loyal, totally loving and will follow "mama" anywhere and everywhere. 

Before I adopted Badger, I was familiar with the basic characteristics of Jack Russell terriers.  I knew he needed a big yard, plenty of space and opportunity to run and exercise, and I knew he'd be extremely active and require plenty of attention in general.  I also knew that my daughter was old enough and mature enough at age 8 that Badger wouldn't want to chase after her.  Jack Russells were bred to harry, corner, and bring down small, quick-moving prey - like Mr. Ratty.  The quick movements and small size of young children means that these dogs are never a good choice for households with small children.  And, true enough, Badger was just fine with Meredith and the other friends in her age group from school and the neighborhood.  The five-year old girl from down the street who'd scream and run when Badger approached, thus inviting chasing and harrying?  Not so much.

Badger is a lifelong pet, companion and member of the family.  I also call him "the baby" and he is "the baby".  Mr. Hammy, in contrast, is a very nice little hamster, but he isn't Badger.  All that training did pay off.  Badger is never going to chase any small child again, he will not bite a human, and he is well under control when around other dogs.  Would he chase the Vice Principal?  Well -- I'm not going to give him that chance.  After seeing a beautifully-trained, enormous Rottweiler (150 lbs?  My size or larger), I decided I wanted to train Badger some more, so we've been working on "shake hands" and roll over.

The Humane Society has an excellent resource for people to review before they take the step of adopting a pet into their home.  One of the most key factors is time.  If you do not have a lot of time, the Humane Society says that cats may be a better choice than dogs, because they do not require as much social time as dogs do - they are perfectly happy left to their own devices and do not act out.  Dogs do have a lot in common with human toddlers and preschoolers.  They will fuss, sulk, steal "cookies" and all the other behaviors we know of that a human child will do in order to get attention.  Dog feelings are right there at the surface, and they'll show you exactly what they need and want -- if you take the time to understand them and spend time with them.  This is not to say that cats do not have feelings too -- they do.  They are simply more independent in their personalities than most dogs. The Human Society even has some testing tips for seeing what a dog's temperament is in the shelter environment.  Keep in mind your whole family's nature and needs, as well as other pets, when you make the decision to adopt.

Which brings me to Badger's provenance.  As I said, I knew some things when I took him home that first day (when he made himself instantly at home - the first thing he did was patrol and check out every room in the house, then he played with each of his toys in order as I opened them, then he ate his food and drank his water, and then he went immediately to his "throne" on the couch and reclined there - a position that he has maintained ever since that day eight years ago when he came home with us).  Oh - and yes, part of his training was that he didn't "own" all of the household furniture.  He sits on his "throne" now because he is allowed with limitations.

Badger came not from a reputable breeder, but from a puppy mill.  His aggression derived from his frightening, brutal early days.  He hadn't been socialized as good breeders do.  He had been ignored.  He wasn't the runt of the litter, he was probably the largest puppy, and he was rapidly growing beyond the size where he'd be an attractive Jack Russell puppy easy to sell.  Then his tail had been docked.  As his aggression grew, I believe he was neutered early to stop it.  It just redirected it - he's as aggressive and dominating a guy as ever.  Un-neutered, I am sure Badger, unsupervised, would have fathered hundreds of puppies by now.  But that wasn't to be.  Mr. Badger's temperament that makes me love him so much, made the puppy mill people dump him on an uncaring owner, who, unable to handle a wild, out-of-control Jack with near-human intelligence, dumped him at the animal shelter in Hemet, CA.  Badger remained there for about 3 months and was within one day of being euthanized when he was taken by the animal rescue.  He remained with them for three months, when an older lady who lived in a trailer took him home.  After three days, Badger having shredded every soft item in her trailer, she brought him back to the animal rescue, where he remained another three months, until I took him home.

So, it is truly a wonder that the worst Badger did were these incidents described above - and bit Meredith's nose in an altercation over a huge stack of beef rib bones.  To socialize Badger and make him the great dog he is today, in our case, did cost $1,500 worth of training and countless hours spent lovingly teaching him what he could, and could not do.  Is that something every adoptive pet owner is prepared to do?  Well, there are easier projects to take on than unsocialized, abused, high-IQ, totally stubborn Jack Russell terriers.

This is what it really is.  These animals are living creatures with minds of their own, with feelings, and they can have behavior problems that are both breed-specific and inborn (chasing small children) and products of their environment.  And with rescue dogs, there is no real way to know what that environment has been.  Some food for thought - and part of the overall process that we need to consider as we move toward being truly humane toward the pets and other animals with whom we share our world.

We're All Going to DIE From Toxins Any Day Now

Don't take this the wrong way.  I'm not in favor of ratmeat hotdogs and DDT eyeshadow.  I know that horrifying abuses will take place as a result of the undeniable human tendency to put the interests of one's self and one's family over total strangers.  The poor loser who ends up eating the roach-infested Double-Down Rodent Dog or the woman who ends up spreading colored pesticide on her eyelids just isn't "real" to the careless factory worker or unethical chemist.

(That's the classic "lipstick on a pig" picture, by the way).  I know that the best real-world solution for this human tendency is to put the fear of the real-world inspector into these folks, so they are deterred from this type of behavior.

Alter.Net is covering this today.  I was particularly shocked by the claim of toxic materials, particularly lead, in products that I use, like lipstick.  Guess what?  It's not true.  The lipstick hoax was a viral spam hoax going around since at least 2003, just like the urban legend that people eat 5-8 spiders at night while they sleep during their lifetime.  I do not want to use toxic products, but there is no substitute for reading labels and carefully testing products before use.  The Alternet article recommends buying organic products, which in some cases can be great - but in others - cosmetics or other products labeled "organic" can also offer toxic or allergenic problems as well as "non-green" products.  This article seems to offer a pretty good overview.  Ali's article at College Candy also tells the truth:  there are no real standards for "organic" cosmetics, so manufacturers can do whatever they want and slap labels on their products that indicate they are "organic" and contain all types of toxins or allergenic materials.  Canada has begun to identify and set standards for some synthetic, potentially toxic compounds in cosmetics.  But that is as far as it's gotten.

A lot of this type of writing, thinking and reporting is filled with hysteria.  The only way to really understand and make real change is to do the real work, not write articles based on internet hoax letters that have been going round and round for the better part of a decade.  Most lipsticks, for example, are made of oils, waxes and pigments.  The most dangerous toxins in them are probably preservatives or chemical texturing agents.  Or, they could be iron-based pigments or others that might seep some type of toxin through the lips.  Lipsticks, unless they're very high-tech, new products, have been made in a similar manner since Egyptian times.  "Pomade" was a word for infusing herbs or spices into oil or solid fat, and color was also added from minerals, for lips or cheeks. 

Hotdog preparation and meat packing became safer after Upton Sinclair's The Jungle was published - nearly 100 years ago.  One of my favorite books, Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation, contains important facts about our obsession with fast food, what it's made of, how it's made, and the dangers associated with it.  The difference is - both authors actually researched what they wrote.  Both Eric Schlosser and Upton Sinclair went to the places where meat was being packed, or the restaurants where food was being served.  Not the backlist of articles at Snopes.com  

Dr. Carl Rogers: A Beautiful Human Being

This is a picture of Dr. Carl Rogers, one of America's most pre-eminent psychotherapists.  In a survey of clinicians, Dr. Rogers came out only behind Sigmund Freud (good Lord!) in his pre-eminence and respect.   

I believe in, and teach, "Rogerian Argument."  Simply put, this is a form of argument and persuasion adapted from Dr. Rogers' groundbreaking ideas of how to further human communication.  All honest communication is good, Dr. Rogers posited.  Precisely.  All "honest" communication.  One cannot mediate or use a Rogerian method of communication in the Middle-East conflict at present.  At least one, if not both, sides are incapable of sincere, honest discourse.  While there are those on the Israeli side who have voiced legitimate concerns of the Palestinians, the Palestinians are so deeply, evilly dishonest that there truly is no point in sitting down to talk with them.  It is why all peace talks have failed, and why world leaders have wasted so much time.

Lying - regardless of how others may choose to misread or misunderstand Dr. Rogers, is not communication.  It is an attempt to defeat communication.

You see, there are benefits to receiving a genuine education, particularly one received in good faith, for the right reasons.  I can truly say that in my entire history of school, including Kindergarten, I literally have never cheated.  Not only have I never cheated, I've never considered it.  That is for one very simple reason.  I see no point in cheating.  A letter grade meant, and continues to mean, nothing to me unless it is an accurate reflection of learning that I have accomplished.  If that's the case, there is truly no purpose in cheating.

I do agree with Dr. Rogers.  I believe that people of good faith and honesty can come together.  If they use his methods, they can truly make change between each other.  People can come to understand and respect tremendously diverse points of view and ways of being.  Dr. Rogers wrote about the development of concepts of self, and about self-awareness and actualization.  In addition to his tremendous benefits to communication and "argument," he also developed the concepts of client-centered therapy and student-centered teaching.  These concepts are now so well-accepted and successful that it's difficult to believe they were developed during the 1950's, a time during which Dr. Rogers was truly making change, even though that period is one where politically-obsessed individuals would have us believe that no progress of any type occurred.  Everything that Dr. Rogers wrote about regarding the "good life," I absolutely believe.

This process of the good life is not, I am convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one's potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life.

It's so funny that a decade ago when I got back in touch with Harlan Ellison, he wrote almost exactly those words to me.  "Swimming in the stream of life."  I was much younger then, and much less confident.  I felt badly that I had quit writing, and ashamed to have turned away from it "just to earn a living."  In the full view, taking into consideration everything Dr. Rogers thought of, as part of a rich, full, life - I needn't have been ashamed. 

The hardest of the concepts of living a fully-functioning life for me is probably living in the moment - or living each moment to the fullest.  When one has anticipations or expectations for the future, it's sometimes difficult to draw back and realize that today is what's here and there will never be - another today.  So, today is the day, and carpe diem.  Live life to the fullest.

Tragedy of Travis the Chimp

Travis the chimpanzee, late of Stamford, Connecticut, is all over the news this week due to the shocking attack on his owner Sandra Herold's friend Charla Nash, who is currently fighting for her life.  MSNBC has an excellent in-depth report on the incident.

Pete Wedderburn of the Telegraph UK asks "What part of wild do the owners not understand?"

I honestly don't know why people who keep wild animals as pets think that it's safe, or what rationalizations they give themselves to justify that such arrangements are  appropriate.

Travis, by all accounts, was raised as a human child by Sandra Herold, whose own story is very sad.  Sandra lost her husband in 2004 and her daughter also died in an auto crash, so she was alone -- except for Travis.

Sandra ate meals with Travis, watched television with him, and even shared aperitifs with him in stemmed glasses.  Before Travis attacked her friend, he had been out of sorts -- apparently he even had a human disease:  Lyme Disease.

So, Sandra had called her friend Charla for some help, and Charla had driven over, getting out the car with an unfortunate combination of appearance and behavior that might yet cost her life -- it has already cost her face, one hand, and four fingers of another hand.  According to some reports, Travis tore off Charla's jaw and ripped out her eyes in mauling her entire head.  Shrinkwrapped has an interesting take on the situation, pointing up that Al Qaeda manuals contain torture instructions that mirror what Travis did to Charla in his attack.

Everyone should know by now that adult chimpanzees, while short in stature, are as heavy or heavier than many humans (Travis, at age 14, weighed 200 pounds). JGordon at Science Buzz talks about just how strong chimpanzees are. On average, chimps are 5 to 7 times stronger than humans, no matter how much they weigh, and Travis was much larger than the average chimp at 200 pounds.

Where did Travis come from in the first place?  In other words, if you were like Sandra Herold and her deceased husband, where would you go looking to buy a chimpanzee baby to raise like a member of your family?  Wired reports that you can just buy them online, although eBay has shut down auctions of endangered animals (and chimpanzees are endangered).  Chimps are usually hunted down in the wild by poachers, who kill the mothers and take the babies for exactly the purpose above.  They are smuggled to the West or Asia, where wealthy buyers will eagerly snap them up.  Travis' story highlights these brutal practices.  No one has reported where he originally came from, but zoos do not auction off their baby chimps to the highest bidder.  The many chimpanzee sanctuaries exist to try to provide humane homes for chimps that were raised as human children until they grew up, becoming large, frightening and uncontrollable.  Sandra Herold isn't the first such owner to be in denial about her pet's true nature.  St. James Davis and his wife learned to their horror that their 30 year old chimp Moe, who had to be given to a sanctuary after he bit one of their friends, had other chimp friends who were willing to nearly fatally attack St. James over a birthday cake.

People often mention chimp rage in these discussions.  Jane Goodall and many others, studying chimps in the wild, have pointed up their many similarities to humans, as well as many differences.  In one similarity, chimpanzees have a degree of self-awareness.  They are aware of themselves as individuals, and they form family groups.  Mothers grieve for the loss of their young ones, and they form friendships with each other, as well as make enemies.  Chimpanzee tribes war on each other in the wild, and they sometimes practice cannibalism.  The human attacks mirror the way that chimps in the wild attack prey such as colobus monkeys -- or, in times of chimp war or murder, each other.

 Isn't this chimp held captive at a Zaire market adorable?  His mother was probably murdered by poachers, and he will be sold for a small amount of money - this picture was taken in 1996.  Around the same time, Travis was probably taken from the wild in a similar way, ending up in Stamford, Connecticut.

Is it any wonder that as chimps grow older and become capable of attacking others, that they do so?  They are wild animals, entrapped, kept in horrible conditions, and shipped great distances, kept in captivity and forced to do unnatural things that they were not born to do.  All of the things that it was so "cute" that Travis did - not only wearing clothes, but dressing himself, using the toilet, eating at the dinner table (200 pounds means he must surely have been eating too much rich, human food and getting fat, just like a human), drinking wine from a stemmed glass, channel-surfing on TV and using a computer.

How cute!  How smart Travis was!  And how dead, Travis is - and as I type this, Charla Nash, the innocent victim, may yet lose her life, and she has already been horribly traumatized and disfigured.

When will these inhuman abuses stop?  I don't know.

Slumming with Photoshop

One of my facebook friends put up a new profile picture and it was this special item.  Verizon has been a real beast lately, so the bad connection foiled my Mullet Family portrait this a.m.

But this cartoon was a lot simpler to work with to get the desired effect.  I can't exactly say it's vintage 60's cartooning, but - it is, in its own way - special.

Those Old-Time Values (Keep Your Credit Score Up)

Like so many millions of others, my divorce negatively impacted my credit. I had managed to earn a very high credit score during the 15 years of my marriage, after starting out like many young people, with no credit and having difficulty obtaining both a decent job and any type of credit or loan.  First, I paid off a car loan that I received from a local bank, where, surprise, the bank President had known me since I was a baby, and the lady who processed my loan was my "second mom" who also gave me plenty of tips about how to behave in business or social situations over the years.

They are on television right now talking about the mortgage bailout and discussing fears that people will purposely stop paying their mortgages on time, just in order to get some of the bailout money for people who are in arrears.

Well, I'd like to think that the check-and-balance on this is the havoc that stopping paying your mortgage for even one payment will wreak on your credit score.  Wallet Pop has a feature on the bad consequences of a poor credit score.  There have been a lot of arguments about credit scores -- are they fair?  What is the legerdemain that produces them?  Why do some people who we can know intuitively are "bad risks" have seemingly "good" credit scores?  Why do good people who are good risks sometimes have poor credit scores -- like the horrible discovery I made when, in the days before I monitored my credit frequently, that my former husband's failure to make two house payments on time had sent me down into the category of miserable grifter.  Don't think I didn't get treated that way, too.  When I applied for a modest loan to further my defunct home plans in Calabasas, you would have thought I was the Octomom by the way they treated me.

Now, five years later, my credit score is back over 750.  I hadn't even thought about extending any credit since the terrible financial conditions of last fall.  With all of the negative information coming out, I was beginning to think that all of the financial truths that I had known or learned throughout my life were meaningless.  Why bother to pay bills?  There'd be a bailout.  Why make any effort whatsoever?  Somebody would come along and pay the mortgage.   

Well, Wallet Pop is holding the standard forth and explaining why, even with all of the turmoil, the old financial truths still hold true.  A poor credit score doesn't just cause pain with credit cards, car loans and mortgages, in some cases, prohibiting them.  It also prohibits or inhibits small business loans (don't pay attention to those "incorporate and pretend you with lousy credit is someone else" schemes).  As an executive, I have been aware for some time that any responsible corporation is going to check my credit, or that of any other employee who's going to be involved with matters of money and confidentiality.  People with scores below 600 aren't going to be considered, and it will cause some difficulty with those security clearances for those involved in government/government contracting.  Now, insurance companies are getting wise and also taking credit scores into consideration, having discovered that the people who don't pay their bills also make more insurance claims.  Private student loans are also taking credit scores into consideration, so your education or that of your children can also be negatively impacted by poor credit.

Do I sound like a credit Nazi?  There are many reasons why honest people can have poor credit scores.  My case is one -- I had no idea the house payments weren't being made until I discovered through being treated like a criminal by the lending company. Sudden, unavoidable disasters, like layoffs, illnesses or a death in the family can also wreak havoc, and in these cases, the best strategy is to stay on top of one's accounts and communicate with lenders.  Your credit score will dive, but it will recover at the same rate that you do if you deal with the crisis openly and honestly.

I really was questioning whether or not any of the things "we" as honest people thought were true and important over the years.  The financial meltdown has caused so many questions and so much fear, and has impacted so many people's long-term plans.  However, I feel that there is simply nothing for people to go to except the old-fashioned approach of paying one's bills on time, not living beyond one's means, and having a care about one's dealings with others - be they Verizon (I swear, that company is going to melt down) or American Express or auto or home lenders.  I don't think that the bailouts mean that nobody has to pay bills any more and we'll all have free breakfasts, lunches and dinners on President Obama.  In fact, I'm seeing signs of more of a lockdown than ever.  I think once all is said and done, it will be a stricter, more conservative financial climate in general.  This will not be a bad thing.  Most writers live simply and modestly and don't want $100,000 cars or multi-million dollar estates that they can't afford.  The underlying basis of credit, business and lending is reasonableness.  Ultra-high interest rates aren't reasonable (try renegotiating now, by the way - people are having some success reducing their credit card interest rates these days) and neither is taking out credit or loans that one has no intention of ever repaying, then making up some excuse later and going on to the next poor sucker.

Adorable Alfie - 13 Year Old Dad

Class is always awesome.  I literally do learn something new every day.

Today, I heard about Alfie Patten, 13-year old father of sweet little baby Maisie, with his 15 year old girlfriend Chantelle Stedman.  Only, the trouble is, first, Alfie's voice hasn't even changed, second, he looks like he's about eight, and third, three other boys have come forth in a "Maury Povich" type scenario in reverse.

Usually on Maury, the girl doesn't know which of several guys is the father of her baby, and none of the accused want to admit responsibility.

Now, Alfie, and the three other guys - they all want to claim little Maisie.  Chantelle says that Alfie is the father, and he's also her "true love."  She's only 15, but she looks half again as tall as Alfie, she's definitely "mature" physically, and frankly - she looks like she could be 45 or so already in some pictures.  What it really is - according to the Sydney Morning Herald, is a clever scam cooked up by Chantelle's parents.  We were wondering today what the heck the parents must be thinking.  Now, here's the answer.  I love being part of the English-speaking world.  I cannot resist ending by saying, "What's it all about, Alfie?"

Rock Bottom for Long Island "Lolita"

Yes, that's Long Island "Lolita" Amy Fisher with her top-notch, as some commenters put it, "drugstore makeup," about to hit the road and become a pole-dancing stripper for cash across the US.  

Amy is best-known for having an underage affair with the totally disgusting Joey Buttafuoco and shooting his wife Mary Jo in the head (non-fatally) when Mary Jo came to the door of her Long Island home.  Amy did her time and has been released.

Amy is a 34-year old mother of two children.  She calls herself a "writer" but then again - I've heard that somewhere before.  Mahalo is always here to help.

So what if Mary Jo still has a bullet in her head?  Amy says she can't feel the silicone in her breasts, so she told Radar that - why should Mary Jo care about the bullet?  With classy ladies like this, my name certainly "stays proud."  That makes two who should be kicked out of the human race.  And to think, I used to think that everyone by the name of "Amy" was nice, just like me.

Battle of the Network Stars!

I am not going to say what reminded me of Battle of the Network Stars (that's a link to reminisces by the ESPN Page 2 Guy - lots of great moments including Battle in there) the 1970's-1980's era - it's hard to say exactly what to call it - I guess it was a reality show.

Awww, all right.  Something reminded me of it the other day, and I would have sworn my brother was on it back in the 70's.  I know he was on a network athletic competition show, and a rejectee on The Dating Game.  Then of all things, one of my Facebook friends turned up in a picture of the show, and this flood of memories came back.

Most of the Battles of the Network Stars were hosted by Howard Cosell (it was impossible to exist without knowing exactly what Cosell sounded like).  The early ones featured stars like Lynda Carter, and if you look for it on You Tube today, Lynda has been lovingly re-featured, and I must say - she's still as popular now as she was when she was "Wonder Woman".  I knew guys thought she was hot, but - ha!  It especially cracks me up that she still gets guys going while Farrah Fawcett was in all of those with her too, and Lynda is the one who seems to have the "staying power." 

Guess who the show also featured?  Well - the guiltiest pleasure of them all - the man who made every bald man in America think falsely that bald could be sexy.

No.  Not every bald man in America.

That bald man.  Telly Savalas!   I miss him so much!

The second issue of Switch.Blade was going to be "Have a Lolly" - yes, inspired by the Telly Savalas lollipop in Kojak.

The NBC team on these shows was usually captained by the totally insane Robert Conrad (also hot) and - one year the team had both him and William Shatner.  Can you imagine?

I can't believe I found this picture.  I thought my life was complete yesterday.

No - now, it's complete. 

Sorry guys - don't take it personally.  Telly Savalas is the only man who ever made those big gold chains sexy. 

Come Again? Psychopathic Nonsense

In investigating the wonderful world of the exploitive con-people out there, I learned about several comprehensive websites.  A lot of the information is subjective, but The Psychopath: The Mask of Sanity contains thought-provoking anecdotes and lay-person descriptions of research results.

I was struck by the research that shows that people who have been formally diagnosed as psychopaths (an outdated term, I think - but it basically means conscience-free menace to society) don't perceive language the same way as the rest of the population.  There may be as many as 4% "psychopaths" in the general population, and most are just pains in the rear to everyone else, not serial killers or career criminals (who often are NOT psychopaths). 

The ability to contradict one's self in the same sentence or a very short space of conversation, it turns out, is a peculiar hallmark of the psychopath.  For example:

When asked if he had ever committed a violent offense, a man serving time for theft answered, "No, but I once had to kill someone."

A woman with a staggering record of fraud, deceit, lies, and broken promises concluded a letter to the parole board with, "I've let a lot of people down… One is only as good as her reputation and name. My word is as good as gold."

A man serving a term for armed robbery replied to the testimony of an eyewitness, "He's lying. I wasn't there. I should have blown his fucking head off."

From an interview with serial killer Elmer Wayne Henley:

Interviewer: "You make it out that you're the victim of a serial killer, but if you look at the record you're a serial killer."
Henley: "I'm not."
I: "You're not a serial killer?"
H: "I'm not a serial killer."
I: You're saying you're not a serial killer now, but you've serially killed."
H: "Well, yeah, that's semantics."

You know, like - it depends on what the definition of "is," is.  This type of thing.  (And I do not mean that as a political statement).  Like, "she should burn in Hell for not having an abortion".

People with these diagnoses have been hooked up to EEG's and given word association tests.  They respond to all words, no matter how charged, in the identical manner.  In other words, "vanilla pudding" and "mass murder" and "terminal cancer" get the same response from these folks, whereas everyone else shows responses that indicate various emotions and parts of the brain are being activated by the serious implication of cancer, or by the innate horror at mass murder.  These are truly people who could slaughter children and eat Nutter Butters while sipping a can of Dr. Pepper and whistling a happy tune.  So - watch for the bizarre combinations and contradictions.  They aren't random.  They're a clue.