Now that I can't breathe and can barely see, of course all I can think of is Paula Deen. I haven't followed every one of Paula's shows - in fact, I actively avoid shows in which I see she will be featured. My first exposure to Paula, y'all, was a few years ago when there was a You Tube video of Paula drinking butter.
This appalled me. I then saw Paula on a holiday Iron Chef America extravaganza. I think the matchup was Paula and Iron Chef Cat Cora against Bobby Flay (must die) and poor Mario Batali. Paula made Velveeta fudge. I was - speechless.
Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as Velveeta fudge, and it could very well have been invented in Virginia, because it is for sure a Southern thing. Serious Food saw the same show and had the same reaction that I had - mostly like I was looking at the coming Apocalypse. She coated the Velveeta fudge ball in caramel, stuck it on a stick, coated that in white chocolate, and I believe, rolled the whole mess in nuts.
The title of Paula's show tomorrow evening is "Fridge Finds," and I have to admit, I think that probably means something very different to Paula than it does to me. In my fridge, there's a chance that something might start talking and walk out of the depths of the back of the cooler waving its tiny tentacles around. Paula's cooking Chicken Boudine, Senate Bean Soup and Buttermilk Pie (now that sounds like Paula) from what's in the back of her cooler. Friday's show is called "You Won't Believe It" (I can pronounce it like Paula - "Yew won't bee-laive it"). It features green tomato cake with brown butter icing. Every single show I have ever seen with Paula in it has featured egregious amounts of dairy, and I don't mean the skim or powdered milk type - I mean processed, ultra high-fat, cream, sour cream, mounds of shredded cheese or cubes of Velveeta kind. Or melted butter, in a cup. And Paula Deen drank it. They actually came out with a study that said that a virus contributed to obesity. Yeah - it's a virus. And its name is Paula Deen.